The One Where John Can't Sleep So He Talks To Dave About Lady Dick
by forensicromantic
Summary: Exactly what the title says.


**John: dave?**

**Dave: yes egderp**

**John: why do you think the trolls use buckets?**

**Dave: i dunno man does it matter**

**John: i guess not.**

**John: ...**

**John: dave?**

**Dave: dude we were already talking**

**Dave: no need to make a stop off at another checkpoint**

**Dave: reaffirming our conversational flow with my name wont let you pass go**

**Dave: you dont get to collect 200 boonbucks**

**Dave: unless all that talking about buckets got you hot and bothered**

**Dave: and that "dave" was less of a question and more of a moan from your surely unadulterated pleasure**

**Dave: from thinking about alien sex**

**Dave: right next to your best bro**

**John: you are right Dave, you could not be righter.**

**John: i was thinking about the sex Dave, right next to you.**

**Dave: i dont blame you**

**Dave: with a body like mine who wouldn't be thinking about having the sex with me.**

**Dave: I bet youre thinking about winding me up**

**Dave: like an alarm clock**

**Dave: it will tick tick tick when suddenly oh no there it goes **

**Dave: ringing and going off like you wouldn't believe**

**Dave: And now youre awake from your nightmare stumbling out of bed and rushing to school**

**Dave: where you arrive in the hallway in only your underwear**

**Dave: the clock in this metaphor is obviously my penis **

**Dave: the school hallway is my bed**

**Dave: except you wont be wearing any underwear in my bed**

**John: disturbing clock dick metaphors aside, what do you think theirs look like?**

**Dave: their clocks**

**John: no! **

**John: ...their dicks**

**Dave: dude**

**John: i'm curious!**

**Dave: well why dont you just ask one of them?**

**Dave: you have a bromance with the blue psychopathic spider chick right**

**John: vriska? **

**John: i don't know...do the girls even have dicks?**

**Dave: i dunno maybe**

**Dave: maybe instead they just have swirling black voids down there**

**John: dave!**

**Dave: ready to swallow your pubescent schlong like a cheeto going up a vacuum cleaner**

**John: it is so not a cheeto!**

**Dave: oh im sorry dude**

**Dave: were my snack food comparisons to little john making you feel inadequate**

**John: no!**

**John: it is just definitely MUCH bigger than that.**

**Dave: are we talking about your dick size now egbert**

**Dave: should i bring out the tape measure**

**Dave: or do you have one of your own on hand **

**Dave: ready to greet you in the morning**

**Dave: with disappointment**

**John: dude there is no disappointment involved in my dick measuring.**

**John: only high fives.**

**John: and amazement.**

**John: because it is amazing!**

**Dave: yeah im sure your baloney pony is real impressive**

**Dave: i cant wait to get my mack on**

**Dave: better break out the forks its time for breakfast**

**Dave: were having johns man sausage**

**John: can we not talk about forks around my man sausage?**

**John: and anyway, they can't be that different right?**

**Dave: dude are you still on the lady dick thing?**

**John: uh, yeah?**

**John: aren't you even a little bit curious?**

**John: I mean you have a thing with Terezi right?**

**Dave: yeah so?**

**John: soooooooo what if you get down to business-**

**Dave: to defeat the huns**

**John: get down to business!**

**John: and there's something weird down there.**

**Dave: john what exactly do you think these ladies are harbouring in their panties?**

**Dave: what kind of illegal contraband do you think they could possibly be housing in their underwear?**

**John: hehe, I'll show you illegal contraband in underwear **

**Dave: john**

**Dave: do not talk to me about your penis**

**Dave: why would you do that john**

**John: you were literally just talking about it!**

**Dave: do you think your father is proud of you john**

**John: Daaave!**

**Dave: for forcing imagery of your surely immaculate love muscle onto an innocent boy**

**John: you're right**

**John: i am so ashamed**

**Dave: good john you should be ashamed**

**John: i am Dave. i have all the shame.**

**Dave: so can we stop talking about lady dong now and actually get some fucking sleep?**

**Dave: Or is my best bro going to make me listen to him talk about dicks more**

**John: fiiiiiiiine we can go to sleep. i'll just die drowning in curiousity.**

**Dave: I'll make sure to put you in a real pretty dress for your funeral.**

**John: wow Dave, thank you. you are the best.**

**Dave: i know**

**Dave: i am aware of my bestness**

**John: hehe, goodnight Dave!**

**Dave: night egderp.**

**John:...**

**John:...**

**John:...**

**John: hey dave?**

**Dave: what**

**John: what if it's like a mop down there? the whole bucket thingwould make sense then.**

**Dave: you know what John it probably is**

**Dave: it is a wet soapy mop and it is dripping just for you**

**Dave: oh do you hear that**

**Dave: that obviously sexual plip plap noise**

**Dave: its the mop in your girlfriends pants**

**Dave: dripping into a love bucket**

**Dave: are you aroused yet john?**

**John: i don't think you're taking this seriously.**


End file.
